Caldo de Pollo for the Black Hearted
by Fairady
Summary: Rogue hadn't planned on getting abducted/saved by an insane mercenary, it just sort of happened.
1. Chapter 1

Warnings: AU to the nth degree. Mashing X1, comics, and Origins into something weird.

Disclaimer: I do not own, and it is better that way. Because I don't want responsibility for it.

Notes: Loosely tied in with "Welcome to the Chicken House," and demonstrates quite well why I like doing these challenges for 1sentence so much. Because this is more of an awkward know-I-should-forget-it, one-sided teen crush than anything else and that _works_ for my series.

Caldo de Pollo for the Black-Hearted  
by Fairady

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**#01 - Air**

It takes the better part of a day to air out the house after the cake burns, and there's still a faint smell of smoke for days after that Rogue really hopes Wade won't ask about when he comes home.

**#02 - Apples**

It's always nerve wracking waiting for Wade to come back from a job, because he likes to bring souvenirs back; 'souvenirs' could range from a bag of apples to the little finger of someone in the wrong place at the wrong time.

**#03 - Beginning**

Rogue doesn't like to think about how he found her, she'd made a horrible mistake in the old woman's character and almost paid for it; Wade, of course, likes to remind her every chance he gets.

**#04 - Bugs**

"I don't care what it is," Rogue scrambled further back from- from the _thing_, "Get it away from me, Wade!"

**#05 - Coffee**

Rogue learned very quickly to get rid off any coffee products Wade brought home.

**#06 - Dark**

Her room has a steel door and more deadbolts than it should --Marie clutches her knees tighter and listens to the heavy silence of the house-- sometimes she thinks it's not enough when Wade gets into one of _those_ moods.

**#07 - Despair**

The neighborhood isn't nice she finds out one night when she's cornered by a gang of men and trying her best to _not touch_ them, it doesn't work and she spends the next few days trying to find herself again among the cacophony of voices in her head.

**#08 - Doors**

The bathroom didn't have a door at first and that's how she knows Wade has tattoos and _always_ wears a mask; when she woke up the next day a door, with three locks, had been installed.

**#09 - Drink**

As soon as she stopped throwing up she was going to _find_ that camera and break it over Wade's head.

**#10 - Duty**

Sometimes Wade comes back hurt bad enough that he can't heal it all, and it's up to Rogue to drag him to the bathroom and sew up the smaller holes that don't heal right away.

**#11 - Earth**

The backyard is fertile and she wants to plant some roses, but she's too afraid of what she might dig up to actually do it.

**#12 - End**

For a while Rogue had thought she'd changed one crazy killer for another --well, she _has_-- but it's hard to stay afraid of a man who watches Looney Tunes in Spider-Man boxers while eating Boo Berry cereal.

**#13 - Fall**

Rogue waited for the other shoe to drop, to get kicked back out onto the street, she waited and waited and was still waiting even though she now had more clothes in _her_ closet than Wade had in the entire house.

**#14 - Fire**

The sudden silence, disturbing enough by itself because Wade _never_ stopped talking, was the only warning she got before the kitchen was engulfed in flames.

**#15 - Flexible**

She didn't think it was possible for men to be that bendy, Rogue watches Wade stretch out into another contorted position knowing _she_ wasn't half that flexible.

**#16 - Flying**

Not all of Wade's jobs are about killing and sometimes those are the best jobs, because she gets to tag along and watch him test out some mad scientist's jetpack which turns out to not be fully functional after all.

**#17 - Food**

Left to himself Wade will buy nothing but junk food, which Rogue doesn't mind until the lack of nutrition starts to make her sick.

**#18 - Foot**

Rogue looked between Wade's new foot and the bagged old one, amazed again about what he could do, but- "Why'd you bring it back?!"

**#19 - Grave**

Despite living with an older, kind-of-perverted man who kills for a living; who should be declared clinically insane; and has a graveyard behind his house, Rogue feels safe for the first time since Cody.

**#20 - Green**

The guns weren't locked away and the bullets were lined up in one of the kitchen cabinets, a quick visit to Youtube was all she needed to start teaching herself how to use them.

**#21 - Head**

For one absolutely terrifying minute she thought she'd killed him, but then the hole in his head stopped bleeding and Wade started cursing.

**#22 - Hollow**

Youtube hadn't taught her anything about hollow points, but after that little accident Wade made sure she knew more about bullets than she'd ever wanted to know before.

**#23 - Honor**

Weasel tried confronting Wade about her once, it was kind of sweet and also pretty suicidal, she made sure to thank him for it anyway when she handed him the ice for his swelling eye.

**#24 - Hope**

Cody, or the voice and memories in her mind that she _knows_ isn't her own, went quiet one day; she bribes Wade's geek friend and finds out that Cody woke up from his coma.

**#25 - Light**

It's amazing how many diners and vaguely lit Chinese restaurants won't hesitate at serving food to a teenage girl, a masked and armed man, and a black and blue nerd.

**#26 - Lost**

Rogue doesn't like to think about what she'll do with her life, there's not much going for a mutant high school drop-out and she doesn't think she'd be able to survive the kind of work Wade does.

**#27 - Metal**

She finds his dog tags in the attic one day, they're bent and worn but they look cool and Wade never says anything when she starts wearing them.

**#28 - New**

Rogue's never been good at hiding her feelings; Wade either doesn't notice or just pretends he doesn't, either way is for the best though.

**#29 - Old**

Rogue watched as Wade hugged the toilet between bouts of retching and ignored her sympathetic gag reflex, she'd _told_ him the cheese was bad and she was going to sit here and be smug at him about it until he admitted she was right!

**#30 - Peace**

ADD has nothing on Wade, the only time she's ever seen him still long enough to focus on a _single_ thing --and unconsciousness wasn't involved-- was that one time there was a Golden Girls marathon on TV.

**#31 - Poison**

They eat out a lot because Rogue only knows how to boil water and Wade has a tendency to add things into food just to see what colors he might vomit up later.

**#32 - Pretty**

Wade measures beauty in cup size, Rogue scowls at the plastic bimbos papered on the walls and adjusts her own modest --flat-- assets; she really doesn't need the body-image issues they induce added on top of everything else she has to deal with, but there it is.

**#33 - Rain**

It's cold and she's soaked through but Rogue stubbornly stays on the roof, she refuses to stay inside when that man --Wade calls him Zero, Weasel says Maverick-- stops by; he scares her too much.

**#34 - Regret**

Some days Rogue wonders what would have happened if she'd stayed home, if she'd given her parents a chance to get over their shock and automatic fear; it's too late now though.

**#35 - Roses**

It says something --probably something awful-- that when she does plant her roses and uncovers a skull --_human_-- her first thought is to make it into a pot.

**#36 - Secret**

Rogue always knew Wade worked with other people --he loved gossiping about them with her-- but it's not until the geek --she's still not sure if Weasel is his name or an insult-- drops his expensive looking laptop and _gapes_ at her that she realizes Wade had never talked about her with them.

**#37 - Snakes**

"Wade," Rogue pressed herself harder against the wall, wishing she had the power to climb it, "get it out of here before I break your nose!"

**#38 - Snow**

Rogue knows it's snowed outside when she's woken up by a snowball and Wade's insane laughter.

**#39 - Solid**

Wade is self-conscious of his scars and always covers them up whenever he can, it makes him the safest person to be around Rogue because there's no chance that she'll accidentally touch his skin.

**#40 - Spring**

It took her a week to drag out everything from the room she eventually claims as her own, Wade apparently had never heard of a garbage can.

**#41 - Stable**

Wade isn't sane --his mood shifts on a dime, he talks to people who aren't there, he acts like an eight year-old, and that's not even the worst of what he is-- Rogue wonders what it makes her that she sticks around him anyway.

**#42 - Strange**

Rogue eventually learned not to ask questions, because the main problem with Wade was that he would _answer_ questions even if he really shouldn't.

**#43 - Summer**

With the snow gone Rogue gets her first good look at the backyard, "Why're there a bunch of dirt mounds out there?"

**#44 - Taboo**

The Room was the only thing off limits to Rogue and it bugged her that she didn't know what was in there, but she wasn't curious enough to risk- to risk whatever reaction Wade would have over it.

**#45 - Ugly**

She's not going to lie, Wade is one of the ugliest people she's ever seen, but it gets less startling each time she sees his face.

**#46 - War**

It takes Rogue two months to learn how to shoot properly, she feels proud of that right up until Wade gets her to try to hit a _moving_ target.

**#47 - Water**

Rogue pulled her feet up on the table and addressed the soaked half of Wade that wasn't folded up under the sink, "I think we need a plumber."

**#48 - Welcome**

The first thing Rogue does in her new home is to clean it from top to bottom, and she's surprised to find a decent place under the toxic wasteland that had been Wade's house.

**#49 - Winter**

Rogue didn't have clothes up to dealing with the cold or any money to buy some, and Wade didn't offer to help her out with that until she raided his closet.

**#50 - Wood**

Porn Night is a household event that eventually stops being embarrassing, though Wade complains whenever she starts laughing at the ridiculous lines or makes fun of the porn stars.

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	2. Chapter 2

Warnings: AU to the nth degree. Mashing X1, comics, and Origins into something weird.

Disclaimer: I do not own, and it is better that way. Because I don't want responsibility for it.

Notes: Originally it was only supposed to be fifty sentences for both of them, but they both got mouthy and I needed to pick up another theme for Deadpool.

Caldo de Pollo for the Black-Hearted  
by Fairady

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**#01 - Motion**

The trick to deflecting bullets is practice, lots and lots of practice, and maybe a good doctor or two.

**#02 - Cool**

Cool: adjective; 1. Wade Wilson (_see picture_).

**#03 - Young**

Wade doesn't remember being as young as Rogue, no, seriously, he _literally_ doesn't remember anything before the age of 22.

**#04 - Last**

It's been years since he last had someone regularly stare at him with that funny little look people get when they really don't know what the heck is going on.

**#05 - Wrong**

The roses had been planted while he was gone, and he would've gotten rid of them himself if he hadn't seen the new and improved pots Rogue had made.

**#06 - Gentle**

It was amazing how many guys were a sucker for a cute kid like Rogue, and the looks on their faces when she sucker punched them were _awesome_.

**#07 - One**

The new merc down the bar kinda reminded him of Zero but with a bigger stick up his ass, but what were the odds of that being possible?

**#08 - Thousand**

Crap, he really _hated_ his luck.

**#09 - King**

Wade tackles her ignoring her screams and punches --which actually kind of hurt now that she's putting on muscle-- and grabs the remote saving them from the horror that is youthful ignorance and MTV, "I'm king of the remote!"

**#10 - Learn**

Some deeply buried maternal clock must have been started by the bullet she put in his head, it's the only reason he can think of to explain why the hell he's _teaching_ her everything he knows.

**#11 - Blur**

The eye lasers are always cool, but, after that thing with the acid, using them hurts and makes everything look blurry for an hour afterward.

**#12 - Wait**

Wade screamed as the tv turned black, an ominous TBC flashing across it, "But I want to know now!"

**#13 - Change**

The biggest difference he'd noticed in his life was that he now spent significantly _less_ time bleeding out on the floor after missions.

**#14 - Command**

Deadpool only thinks about the old team on missions, they aren't the happiest of memories and he likes to have things he can kill on hand afterward.

**#15 - Hold**

As far as powers-that-suck go Rogue is barely ahead of that guy who could turn things into polyester.

**#16 - Need**

Just because he _needs_ therapy doesn't mean he'll actually go out and get it.

**#17 - Vision**

It takes a full day for his eyes to fully heal --acid is a real _bitch_-- in that time he gets pretty good at tracking the brat down just by the sound of her laughter.

**#18 - Attention**

It kinda sucks having a roomie, he's never going to live down the shower incident, but it's kinda nice to have an audience around to hear his best jokes.

**#19 - Soul**

Rogue was suffering from an acute lack of soul which no amount of forced Soul Train viewing was fixing.

**#20 - Picture**

He's holding her gloves hostage until she coughs up the negatives from when she'd used his temporary blindness to put him in a bonnet and cover him with glittery Hello Kitty stickers.

**#21 - Fool**

Wade knows he's got no business keeping the kid around --you can't get any more fucked up than he is-- but the girl can walk away anytime she wants so he can't really be _that_ responsible for it.

**#22 - Mad**

"As a fox," he says, or tries to say around the arm he's biting it comes out too muffled to make sense really, and it's funny as hell up until she twists and _bites him back_!

**#23 - Child**

_Despite_ what that restraining order from the Olson twins might imply, Wade doesn't do jailbait and he really resents Weasel's implications.

**#24 - Now**

He doesn't get how punching Weasel a few hours ago translates into him buying them _all_ dinner now though.

**#25 - Shadow**

He was a badass ninja, using the shadows to hide his movements; he absolutely wasn't hiding under the stairs because he'd accidentally kinda ate the last bucket(or two, okay, three!) of ice cream.

**#26 - Goodbye**

Xavier contacted him, and he almost didn't hear the guy through all the _other_ voices in his head, and the offer sounds pretty good for Rogue he just hasn't told her about it yet.

**#27 - Hide**

Wade wasn't keeping the kid a secret, it just didn't occur to him to tell anyone (living) about her until Weasel started choking on air; ok, he totally was but that was just for the sake of his badass rep, and maybe because he really wanted to see the faces on people when he introduced them to Wadette.

**#28 - Fortune**

He stole a crystal ball from some gypsy woman a few years back --got a lot of curses about interesting lives thrown at him for it-- but the damn thing only showed him re-runs of Alf.

**#29 - Safe**

He looses time now and then --really, he doesn't know where or how it went away-- and when he "wakes up" over a dead stranger or two he almost wants to thank that psychopath people call god that he never looses time at home.

**#30 - Ghost**

For three days he watched as she wandered the house seeing and hearing things --_people_-- that were only in her head, even after she started seeing the world again it still looked like she was caught up in her own head a little bit.

**#31 - Book**

"Mock all you want," Wade says, putting the book back up in it's place of honor above the tv, "but when the zombie apocalypse comes we'll see who has the last laugh!"

**#32 - Eye**

Rogue had a good eye for shooting, but it didn't take him long to see she was really picking up the hand-to-hand kick-ass skills.

**#33 - Never**

There's some things that Wade just doesn't think about; where his dog tags are and how close seventeen is to legal are just two of them.

**#34 - Sing**

He deserved a Grammy for his performances no matter what anyone else might say or throw at him to make him shut up.

**#35 - Sudden**

Wade hadn't planned on having kids --_ever_-- so it took him a while to child-proof the house; unfortunately, the kid wasn't phased by it in the least, and now he can't even open his own cabinets.

**#36 - Stop**

Junior got him called several impolite names; Wadette almost cost him a couple extremities; Wade was about to suggest Wadette Wilson Jr. when the girl broke down and told him her name.

**#37 - Time**

Once upon a time there was a girl named Marie- Ow, okay, okay, her name was Rogue(stop hitting me)!

**#38 - Wash**

His house was spotless, his fridge filled with veggies, his bathroom cluttered with _girl_ stuff, and his yard was blooming with roses; he'd put up with a lot in the past few months, but this was it, he drew the line at having his clothes smell like lilacs!

**#39 - Torn**

The girl was evil, no doubt about it, she'd left the brownies --so warm and gooey looking!-- _just_ out of his reach, he'd have to give up the best spot on the couch to get one and he just knew she'd steal it the second he moved.

**#40 - History**

It was amazing how much they weren't teaching kids in school these days, Vietnam was only a couple decades back and the kid didn't know squat about it!

**#41 - Power**

It was a horrible day when she learned of his debilitating weakness for jelly filled donuts, one that he just _knew_ she'd use against him.

**#42 - Bother**

He was on to her little tricks, Rogue only became sweet and nice when she was about to ask him for something that was guaranteed to end in a massive firefight.

**#43 - God**

Wade wished he could be even half as psycho as that guy, and how cool would it be to have the universe as a toy!?

**#44 - Wall**

Breaking it isn't as easy as he makes it look, he tells the kid often, any average crazy can talk to people not there but it takes a _special_ kind of crazy to talk to or about the readers.

**#45 - Naked**

Wade tries his best to forget that the girl has seen him buck naked on more than one occasion, because that's just all sorts of creepy and wrong.

**#46 - Drive**

Rogue wrecks four cars before she finally gets the hang of a stick shift, Wade writes thank you notes to the owners on the broken windshields.

**#47 - Harm**

Wade finds out why people put those lame stickers about their kids on cars the day Rogue comes home with the cash wad of some low-life she'd broken for trying to touch her.

**#48 - Precious**

An unexplained fire accidentally destroyed all of his Golden Girls DVDs; Wade didn't see Rogue until after the express delivery from Amazon brought him a new set.

**#49 - Hunger**

"Braaaaiiiinzzzzz," Rogue smacked him before he could attempt to gnaw on her head.

**#50 - Believe**

He's not a good guy by any definition of the word, bad for business you know, but he finds himself trying anyway because Rogue seems to think he is one anyway.

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	3. Chapter 3

Warnings: AU to the nth degree.

Disclaimer: I do not own, and it is better that way. Because I don't want responsibility for it.

Notes: Wanted to get this little drabble out before the next chapter of Chicken House. I'm trying to keep it all somewhat in order, though I don't think that's going to last much longer.

Caldo de Pollo for the Black-Hearted  
by Fairady

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Marie used to draw hearts around Cody's name in her notebook. She used to write out every variation of their names that she could think of. Long and formal was for a wedding invitation; short and cutesy was to be carved on a tree trunk. Entire class periods would pass by in a haze as she daydreamed ridiculous scenarios that she knew would never happen. She was young, and she was in love. It's a well-known excuse that justified any stupid behavior.

Rogue doesn't do any of this.

She writes out Wade's name in block letters on the Chinese take-out boxes so he knows which ones he can eat; not that it stops him from eating her's anyway. She used Marie Wilson once when renting movies, but doesn't pay it any mind. Her name is Rogue and that is the only name she will have until the day she dies. She doesn't daydream about anything, everyday life is usually bizarre enough to keep her focused on the now instead of what could be. She's still young, and she _is_ in love. She just knows that it doesn't excuse or justify any stupid behavior.

Love is stupid enough as it is, Rogue doesn't need to add to it.

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	4. Chapter 4

Warnings: AU to the nth degree. Mashing X1, comics, and Origins into something weird.

Disclaimer: I do not own, and it is better that way. Because I don't want responsibility for it.

Notes: I got nothing. No, that's a lie. I got a lot, but it's slow typing. Have an oddly timed holiday piece.

Caldo de Pollo for the Black-Hearted  
by Fairady

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Wade Wilson, A.K.A. Deadpool, A.K.A. the COOLEST Merc With a Mouth EVER, was having an awesome day.

He'd woken up to freshly baked brownies for breakfast, and Rogue hadn't even rolled her eyes at him when he ate the whole pan. The paycheck for the last job he'd pulled in Mexico had cleared, and the smell of chihuahua piss had been cleaned out of his favorite pair of boots. Weasel had called to tell him he'd finally gotten in those new guns he'd been drooling over for months. Rogue had also decided that it was her turn to treat Wade to his favorite diner for dinner, and the place was even serving his favorite dish even though it wasn't Taco Tuesday!

Sure, the waitress kept giving him Looks that were probably speaking ones, but Wade wasn't very fluent in whatever language she spoke so he just ignored her. And there were tacky cut outs of hearts everywhere. And every other customer in the store looked like they were playing footsie under the tables. And there were way too many sappy love songs being played over the speakers.

Whatever. The point was that he was having an awesome day, and _nothing_ could ruin it.

Nothing.

Really.

.....crap. He hated it when that little niggling voice of doubt decided to speak loud enough to be heard over all the other voices in his head.

"Waaaaait a minute," Wade narrowed his eyes and looked suspiciously at Rogue, the hanging pieces of paper, and the sour looking lady. There was something there, he could feel it. Something to do with the hearts and the date. What was the day? "Is this-"

The backward writing in the front window finally caught Wade's eyes. Valentine's day. Oh, he felt like an idiot now. He whipped his head back to pin the kid with a glare he really hoped transferred well through the mask, "Is this a date?!"

The kid looked up with that adorable wide-eyed-and-blank-caught-with-hand-in-cookie-jar face that he kept meaning to train her out of, but the fact that it was useful in situations like this stopped him. She was a sly one, he'd give her that. If it hadn't been for the writing on the window, she'd have gotten away with this one. "Well? What do you have to say for yourself?"

Rogue smiled uncertainly, "Happy Valentine's Day?"

"No! Wrong! Bad! Nu-uh!" Wade shook his head violently enough that he could almost pretend the whole day wasn't there, but then one of the paper hearts sparkled. "We've had this talk before, kiddo."

"I'm _seventeen_, not nine," Rogue said with a sigh that was truly epic and long suffering, which was a sigh she was getting very good at. "You're not in any danger of becoming a pedophile. Besides, lots of women take their fathers out today."

"Woah! Ok, first off? Seventeen still ain't legal nowhere that counts, and I just don't do that. Second? Father, me? That's so wrong in so many ways that I don't even know where to start. And when iI/i don't know where to start talking about something? That should clue you in to how seriously fucked up it is."

"Get over it, Wade," the kid went back to picking at her burrito platter. "Day's about over and I'm not taking anything back. So, you might as well enjoy it."

Taking anything back? Wade leaned back from the table and looked around cautiously. He would've noticed if she'd brought a box or something with her, but she really was sneaky and he wasn't putting anything past her anymore. "Why? What else have you got hidden away?"

"Paranoid much?" Rogue held both hands up. The universal gesture for 'I'm not armed, please don't shoot me in the ba-aargh!' Which was a complete lie coming from her. "All I got is that porno you've been looking for."

_Danger, Wade Wilson! Danger!_ The correct answer to a sentence like that would involve the words no, return, and never again. But a traitorous part of his brain perked up and took temporary control of his mouth, "Porn?"

"Yep," Rogue _grinned_. Oh, she knew she had him there. "The one set in an all women's prison."

"With the blonde twins?" Wade's mouth continued the conversation completely without his permission. "With the German accents and the toys?"

"And the red-head," Rogue said as she reached for the hot sauce. She slowly coated the burritos before putting the final nail in the coffin of Wade's battered conscience. "It's the complete version."

_Seventeen, seventeen, seventeen._ Wade stuffed an entire taco into his mouth. He didn't trust what it would say next.

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	5. Chapter 5

Warnings: AU to the nth degree. Mashing X1, comics, and Origins into something weird.

Disclaimer: I do not own, and it is better that way. Because I don't want responsibility for it.

Notes: It has finally dawned on me that there is a bit of back story that I've been relying on for Chicken House that only exists on my LJ. Several drabbles, usually under a hundred words, that I thought were already up over here. Yeah, cue me hitting my head because I'm an idiot. I'll work on getting those lines up into something coherent that I can post over here later.

Caldo de Pollo for the Black-Hearted  
by Fairady

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It's impossible to put bandages on Wade while wearing gloves. No matter how hard Rogue tries she just can't make it work. He bleeds too much and just won't stay still no matter how long it takes his healing factor to kick in sometimes. The bandages always slip through the fabric of her gloves, and then Wade passes out from the blood loss. It doesn't kill him, nothing ever does, but she's noticed that it takes him longer to recover each time it happens.

Not to mention _she's_ the one who has to clean up all the blood afterwards.

So Rogue takes her gloves off when she needs to help him. Most of the time it doesn't matter. There's too much blood to make proper contact or the flesh she touches is already dead. No connection, no absorption. Most of the time, Rogue can fix him up without taking anything from him.

Those are the good days.

Sometimes the bleeding is internal, or the skin she touches is warm and living. And it doesn't matter how careful she's being with the bandages or needles. She reels back as fast as she can, but it's never fast enough to escape some of the memories. Dark and frightening scraps of Wade's past that he never talks of and she isn't brave enough to ask about. Just enough of them to give her nightmares that extra edge.

Those are the bad days.

The rest of the time it's somewhere in between the two extremes. She doesn't _think_ she touched his skin, or the blood isn't quite thick enough to keep her from absorbing just a little. A teeny-tiny little piece of Wade that usually goes completely unnoticed until she's on a couch eating out of a Hagen-Daz container and admiring Bea Arthur's acting.

Those are the good days too actually. It's a hell of a lot better than any of the bad days. Which is something that Rogue has learned needs to be appreciated while it lasts.

Plus, Bea Arthur is a _really_ good actress, and she can't find fault with Wade for opening her eyes to that.

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	6. Chapter 6

Warnings: AU to the nth degree. Mashing X1, comics, and Origins into something weird.

Disclaimer: I do not own, and it is better that way. Because I don't want responsibility for it. I also do not own "A Visit From St. Nicholas."

Notes: With apologies to Clement Moore or Henry Livingston. Whoever it was that originally came up with the poem that I've almost completely bastardized here. I've been told it's the time of the year to give things. Being the broke bastard I am, all I have to give is pointless fic written in a few hours. Happy Halloween, people!

Caldo de Pollo for the Black-Hearted  
by Fairady

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'Twas the night before XXX-mas, when all through the Deadhut  
Not a creature was stirring, not even my oh-so-perky butt;  
The lootbags were hung by the TV with care,  
For St. Nick to fill up (with room to spare;  
The Sidekick was nestled all snug in her bed,  
While visions of incendiaries danced in her head;  
And Bea in her best episode, and I in my mask,  
Had just settled down with an ale cask,  
When out on the lawn there came such a cracking,  
I sprang from the couch to see what was attacking.  
To the window I teleported, katana ready to slash,  
I tore down the curtains and broke the glass with a smash!  
The corner light through the trees looked kinda sweet,  
Gave a glow of death to the hookers across the street-

Well, _yeah_ this happened a few days ago. I was kinda busy kicking ass to wake you up for it. Besides, last time I tried to wake you up you threatened to throw your lava lamp at me. "Wade don't wake me up again or I'll throw this innocent lava lamp at you." Your exact words if I recall- Hey!

Shush! I wasn't going to tell them what you _really_ said you were going to do with it. Don't need to muck about with the rating any more.

Aaaaaanyway. I would've told you the next day, but we had more important stuff to do. Like sleep in, open all the loot, and pig out on cookiez. I was gonna tell you later but noooooooo. You had to get all bitchy and weepy over the Charlie Brown Christmas Special!

I'm not judging you, out loud, I'm just stating the facts.

Well, fine!

I hate you too!

And your peanut brittle sucked!

Yes it did!

I was hungry and didn't want to make anything!

Oh yeah? See if I care! As a matter of fact why don't I take my 'lazy, liar butt' out to-

Oh, so now you want me to finish my story. See this is what happens when you get too impatient and don't let me tell you all the important little factoids you need too know. It was totally necessary to put my awesome fight into rhyme! Which would work a hell of a lot better if the author had the slightest skill in poetry, and wasn't looking for any excuse to cop out of it.

Ow. No need to get violent! Those little ornaments really hurt you know? I was getting to the part about why the yard's all torn up, the windows gone, and the cellar smells like three-day-old rot.

You haven't been in the cellar? Forget that last part then, I lied. The cellar smells fine! Musty and earthy just like any cellar should.

Wait, don't go down- It was ninjas! A group of frickin' ninjas going around and just looking for a fight. I'm serious. They came up to the house looking for trouble. Ok, maybe one of them might have mentioned something about avenging the honor of their murdered teacher, but I wasn't really paying attention. If the students were anything to go by the guy obviously sucked so it was no big loss.

Yeah, yeah. I got a buyer lined up. I don't really want to know why they want rotting ninja corpses, but they'll be gone by tomorrow. It's concrete down there anyway. All you got to do is turn a hose on and it just washes away.

We got any more of that peanut brittle?

-

-

_But I heard him scream, as he fled from my sight,  
"Happy Fucking XXX-mas to all, and to all a good fight."_

_-  
_


	7. Chapter 7

Warnings: AU to the nth degree. Mashing X1, comics, and Origins into something weird.

Disclaimer: I do not own, and it is better that way. Because I don't want responsibility for it.

Notes: Hey, look! I'm not dead! I just feel like it. This looks like crap, but it's the best way I could figure out how to get some of the more important bits from LJ over here. A few for fun back story, but the last few are kinda important. Those're the bits that I thought had already been put up here.

Caldo de Pollo for the Black-Hearted  
by Fairady

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-

**It takes the better part of a day to air out the house after the cake burns, and there's still a faint smell of smoke for days after that Rogue really hopes Wade won't ask about when he comes home.**

-

Rogue had wanted some cake. No special occasion or reason, she'd just been craving it.

The cake mix box had made it seem so easy. Put ingredients in bowl, stir, bake. How much easier than that does it get? She doesn't know how it went wrong, but by the time she'd figured out something was wrong the cake was nothing more than smoking charcoal.

I took her ten minutes to get it out of the oven and to figure out she needed to toss it outside where it could smoke in peace. Plenty of time for the smoke to fill the rest of the house. And the smell-

That was it! She wasn't cooking anything ever again.

It's not until a week later that she figures out Wade had hooked the oven up to a couple of extra propane tanks to make it "cooler." Three days later she finds an almost expired box of brownie mix.

-

-

**The trick to deflecting bullets is practice, lots and lots of practice, and maybe a good doctor or two.**

-

Yes, he taught himself how to do this before he got that nifty little healing factor. Yes, he's still alive despite several very close mishaps. No, he has no intention of teaching this to Rogue.

Bright as the kid is, she doesn't really have the speed needed for it. Plus she kinda sucks with a sword. She's much better with a knife and her own fists though so it's not like it's that big of a loss.

-

Rogue thinks he's absolutely insane (More so than normal and she's not sure how that's possible either) but can, sadly, easily imagine him coming up with the idea to even do it. She's pretty sure it has more to do with male stupidity than anything else.

It's that combination of pride, ego, and desire to look cool that had led Cody to do many stupid things. All of which she has intimate first-hand recall of.

-

-

**Cool: adjective; 1. Wade Wilson (see picture).**

-

Rogue had been surprised to find a dictionary in Wade's house. A thesaurus? Sure, she could see him having one or two of those, but not a dictionary. Then she noticed that _Deadpool_ had been written over Webster on the cover.

She isn't so surprised anymore when she realizes he's re-worded the whole book.

-

The cable had been out and he was having too bad of a hair day to risk going out. What else was guy to do but reinvent the English language?

-

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**Wade doesn't remember being as young as Rogue, no, seriously, he literally doesn't remember anything before the age of 22.**

-

Research shows that changing laws kept the legal drinking age ping-ponging from 18 to 21 in different states throughout the country. The fact that Wade doesn't remember his early years isn't due to the fact that for four years he roamed from state to state getting as drunk as he possibly could before the law changed. Nor is the fact that the age suddenly went up after he'd been in a state for a while due to his love of picking up fights/riots/governor's-wives.

But it certainly didn't help.

-

-

**The roses had been planted while he was gone, and he would've gotten rid of them himself if he hadn't seen the new and improved pots Rogue had made.**

-

The skull pots were wrong in a way that made him want to hug and cuddle the girl and call her his cute little psycho Wadette. Doing that tended to get his fingers bit off though, so he settled for lining them up on the front porch so the whole neighborhood could see.

-

Making the pots had been tricky. She'd needed to look it up on Youtube again, and find the bone saw she remembered seeing in the basement and thought was a power tool.

It's a little disturbing how easy it was to make them after that, but not as much as admitting to herself that they actually look pretty nice.

-

-

**Wade tackles her ignoring her screams and punches --which actually kind of hurt now that she's putting on muscle-- and grabs the remote saving them from the horror that is youthful ignorance and MTV, "I'm king of the remote!"**

-

Until they started wrestling around in jello while wearing bikinis again, the Real World was not allowed to be watched in his house. Cribs was totally OK though. He'd once seen an episode about Tony Stark and the Playboy Bunnies had still been in the hot tub!

-

The Real World ban is unfair but strict. It sucks that she has to wait for him to go on a mission just to watch the episodes she's secretly Tivo'd.

She has no idea who Tony Stark is, but she remembers that episode of Cribs. Tony had answered the door shirtless and wet. She wonders if that had anything to do with the fact that it hasn't made it to re-runs yet.

-

The sheer number of complaints and protests that came out from that episode were among the largest MTV has ever seen. Apparently, airing an episode about an arms dealer was something worse than giving porn stars their own shows.

That particular episode of Cribs is being held in reserve for a rainy day when ratings get too low.

-

-

**He was on to her little tricks, Rogue only became sweet and nice when she was about to ask him for something that was guaranteed to end in a massive firefight.**

-

Last time it had been donuts. And, hey, that's something he could totally get behind. Crispy Cremes with sprinkles and jelly filling were truly the food of Gods! So, it's all big brown cow eyes and "Puhlease, Mistah Wade!" and the promise of donuts. And who'd think anything was wrong with that?

So off he went. Down to the Qwik Stop for a dozen boxes. How was he supposed to know Tuesday was the designated days for _every single_ wannabe-gangster to hang out in the parking lot wearing their momma's jewelry and _begging_ to be shot?

Seriously, that's something that should be printed up on fliers and distributed, because Deadpool would've gone out more on Tuesdays if he'd known.

-

-

**It takes a full day for his eyes to fully heal --acid is a real bitch-- in that time he gets pretty good at tracking the brat down just by the sound of her laughter.**

-

Watching Wade stub his big toe on every single thing in the house is the most entertaining thing she's seen since the cheese incident. The frilly bonnet and stickers help. She doesn't think he's noticed them yet though. So, she takes the opportunity to take as many pictures as she can before his eyes heal.

-

Wade once cut out his own eye (He doesn't remember why he did it, it'd just seemed like a good idea at the time). A new one had generated in under a minute. But that had been years back when everything still worked right.

-

-

**The eye lasers are always cool, but, after that thing with the acid, using them hurts and makes everything look blurry for an hour afterward.**

-

And there's also the fact that the lasers aren't quite as strong as they used to be. And the fact that the blurriness is sticking around longer each time. And his arms feel like they're on fire every now and then. And last time he got his hand hacked off it took over an hour for a new one to regenerate. Oh! And lately he's been leaving things behind when he teleports. Blood, guts, lungs, unimportant and minor organs....

He wonders if his HMO covers any of it.

-

-

**The biggest difference he'd noticed in his life was that he now spent significantly less time bleeding out on the floor after missions.**

-

The fact that he's still bleeding kinda worries him. It's probably old age finally catching up with him. That neat little ageless thing the Fur Twins had going just didn't take too well to him.

It's not so much of a problem with the kid around though. She's nice enough not to say anything as she sews those stubborn holes shut.

-

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	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I do not own, and it is better that way. Because I don't want responsibility for it.

Warnings: AU to the nth degree. Mashing X1, comics, and Origins into something weird.

Notes: Of course Deadpool would want to check out the school before hand. Should've posted this before chapter 6 of Chicken House though.

Caldo de Pollo for the Black-Hearted  
by Fairady

.

.

"Bet you can't bounce a quarter off of yours."

.

.

Scott wasn't having a bad day. Bad days started at an unholy hour because one of the kids had been showing off and someone got hurt. Which led to a school assembly where he had to lecture, again, about responsibility and the proper usage of powers. _That_ always led to an afternoon of having to deal with sulky teenagers who seemed to think it was _his_ fault.

"So, how far can you blast things with your eyes? I can get up to a hundred feet with mine and then it just seems to lose steam. Think Viagra'd fix that? And what gives with the headaches? You get those at all or is that just a me thing? Because if it's a you thing, you've got like the third suckiest power ever. No, wait, fourth. Does that kid have _tentacles_ growing out of his forehead? Man, he'd got a bright future in Japanese porn waiting on him!"

No, Scott wasn't having a bad day, but he wasn't having a good one either.

"And _this_," Scott shoved the masked man he was escorting into the closest empty room. As far as he was concerned, none of the kids should be exposed to this Deadpool. Why the Professor thought the man needed a tour was beyond him. They could have spent the time convincing him to bring that poor girl over sooner. "This is one of three chemistry labs we have. Students are expected to take-"

"Chemicals!" Deadpool was already across the room and pulling bottles out of the supply cabinet. Scott was pretty sure it'd been locked. "Hey, if you can get me some fertilizer I can mix up something really cool. Give the kiddies a show!"

"No!" Scott scrambled to cross the room and grab the chemicals away. It didn't take a telepath to figure out the man was crazy enough to do what he said he was going to do. It'd only taken him five minutes of _constant_ chatter.

Ok, bringing him to a lab had been a bad idea, but still infinitely better than letting him mingle with the children.

"Aw, why not?" Deadpool looked like he was pouting behind the mask. Which was surprisingly expressive for being a two toned piece of cloth. "It's for science!"

"The supplies are for students, Mr., um, Deadpool," Scott pinched the bridge of his nose just under his glasses in a futile effort to ward off a headache. He'd known it was coming when Deadpool refused to disarm himself and the Professor _hadn't_ objected.

"You do get headaches! See, I _knew_ it wasn't just me. You really suck, you know that right?"

"What?"

"Your eye lasers, duh!" For all that Scott couldn't see the man's eyes, Deadpool did a rather impressive imitation of the average teenager rolling his eyes at an authority figure who was too dumb to get them. "They give you headaches and since I got mine from you, now _I_ get your headaches! You suck."

"_What?_"

"Oh forget it!" Deadpool threw his hands up in the air. As exasperated as Scott was confused. "I'm not explaining a whole plot point that really doesn't fir in with the current movie. I don't get paid enough for that."

Scott bit back another question by sheer force of will, sure that he didn't want to hear the answer. He turned to the other door in the room. Continuing the tour as if he hadn't been stopped at all, "Through here is one of our lecture rooms. It's equipped-"

In retrospect, turning his back on the obviously unstable man had been a singularly stupid mistake. A man like Deadpool was capable of doing anything given half a chance. By turning his back, Scott had given him more than half a chance.

The slap to his ass was entirely unexpected though.

"Ooo! Nice and firm! Well, not like mine, but not many people can reach the level of perkiness I get. What exercise regimen do you use? I prefer pilates myself. Gives me that great tone of muscle that you just can't get alone in a gym."

"You-!" Scott whirled around and took one hasty step back, glaring at the clearly unrepentant man.

"Me!" The mask contorted until Scott realized Deadpool was grinning. "Aw! You're kinda cute when you're trying not to blast someone with your eyes. I just good gamed you, man! No need to get so defensive! We're both professionals at this business and I just thought we could share some good butt firming tips while doing this tour thing."

"The lecture room is right through here," Scott ground his teeth and carefully led Deadpool to the next room. Without turning his back again. He sincerely hoped that whoever this Rogue was, she'd be easier to handle than her guardian.

.

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	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I do not own, and it is better that way. Because I don't want responsibility for it.

Warnings: AU to the nth degree. Mashing X1, comics, and Origins into something weird.

Notes: The big difference I see with this Rogue as opposed to the movie one is that she had to get a lot tougher at a quicker rate. You can't deal with Deadpool otherwise.

Fear Itself  
by Fairady

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.

The insults and screams bounced off the metal walls of Rogue's prison. Ringing loudly in her ears and smothering her with the desperation even she could hear in them. Convincing her that there was no one out there to hear her.

She didn't stop though.

Even as her voice started to give out and her wrists started to bleed from her useless yanking on the cuffs. Even as her toes and heels bruised from her kicking the poles she was chained to. She didn't stop because stopping would mean giving up, and that would mean death.

Her death.

Rogue wasn't stupid. She knew that she wasn't going to survive what the old man was going to put her through. He wouldn't have gone through half the trouble to get her if that wasn't the case. And he'd gone through a _lot_ of trouble. For her, for the entire set-up. It spoke volumes about his power and seriousness.

Most anyone else would have given up. Like the kids at the school. Most of them would have cracked and broken the moment they woke up tranq-dazed and cuffed. Too terrified to do anything but cry and sob.

She was _Rogue_ though, and it wasn't in her to give up even if she was utterly terrified. So she yanked and yelled, coughed and bled. Fighting her own fear and doubts as an invisible clock counted down, and no one showed up to save her.

She didn't cry until _after_ Wade showed up.

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	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I do not own, and it is better that way. Because I don't want responsibility for it.

Warnings: AU to the nth degree. Mashing X1, comics, and Origins into something weird.

Notes: I see Rogue as changing with every absorption, keeping a little or a lot depending on the amount of time spent touching.

Marking  
by Fairady

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.

Rogue didn't know she was going to do it until the needle first pierced her skin.

It was an impulse that made her search the streets for an open tattoo parlor. One that looked just seedy enough to do anything she asked for hard cash. And she asked for a lot.

The gloves, she required them from the beginning to the end. The ink had to be just right, and it took them the longest time to find one she was satisfied with. She demanded the youngest artist work on her. Inexperienced and a little hesitant as he looked at what she wanted.

It was small and simple. It took twenty minutes to ink onto her skin because she stopped every few minutes to critically examine it before pointing out where the next part should go.

The ink was bright and shiny, surrounded by pink flesh. It would fade in a week or two. More if she didn't take care of it like the young artist was telling her to. She didn't care. The fading was part of it.

The numbers were ugly, crooked, and not even the same size. She traced them with the tip of one finger and felt a sick comfort that wasn't hers rise up in her. It let her know that she'd gotten it right and that eased something tight in her mind.

She didn't think about it as she left the parlor, covering her new tattoo with the elbow length gloves she was so rarely without. She didn't want to think about how important the marks of a genocide could be, or how it could effect her so strongly even though Erik's memories had faded.

They just hadn't faded enough.

She spent the rest of the day pressing her aching skin through the fabric and remembering.

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	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I own not and make no money off of this.

Warnings: None.

Notes: And this ends Caldo de Pollo, look for the next set of drabbles. The Chicken Breast is for the Guest.

I'm Not Touching You  
by Fairady

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.

"Kitty? Kitty! No way! Why?" Rogue flopped over in the comfy armchair that'd appeared sometime between his last two missions. She looked like every teenage cliche as she giggled and continued to shit talk with whoever on a cellphone he'd never even seen before. "But he's so gay. Yes, he is. You know that time- Yeah. Uh-huh, Kitty knows it too! I don't know."

Deadpool hunched further and further into the couch with each squeal of girlish delight. His mouth opened once, but he quickly slapped a hand over it before a sound could be uttered. It tried to speak anyway so he used his other hand too.

"She's an idiot if she thinks that. You can't just- No, you can't," Rogue rolled until her feet were propped on the head rest and her head hung down, long stripey hair pooling on the ground. "Jubilee! You can't make a gay man straight! Sure, trying might be fun but Bobby- No way!"

The phone was pink and sparkly with something that looked suspiciously like Hello Kitty on it. It was so heavily bejeweled with tacky gems that it hurt to look straight at it. Deadpool grabbed for his bowl of Fruity Pebbles and started eating them frantically. Because if his mouth was busy eating it wasn't talking. He wouldn't lose, not this time. He'd shoot the brat to prevent himself from losing.

"That's stupid, John's always been an asshole. What's so different about this time?" Click. Click. The sound drew his attention like a moth to flame. She was playing with the dog tags around her neck. No, the two tags where on the floor. She was playing with something else. Something that glimmered and shined far too brightly between her fingers. A bright pink tag hung on the same chain as his old dog tags. "What's wrong with a little -or a lot- of violence? Please. They're pussies. They _all_ are."

"Nnh!" No way. No fucking way. Deadpool chewed on the spoon unable to look away from the new tag. Which had a name on it in sparkling purple gems.

"X-Men, Brotherhood, big deal. They're both wrong," Rogue dropped the tag and started playing with the white streak in her hair. It slithered down the chain to clink next to the worn metal of his tags on the floor. "Well, John's an idiot too. Just let him do whatever. I'll smack him one for you if I ever see him, alright?"

His eyes zeroed in on the tag, now clearly visible, and the name written on it. Hannah Montana. The spoon cracked and so did his molars but those didn't matter much. He surged to his feet spilling his bowl on the floor as he screeched, "What the hell is that!"

Rogue smirked but didn't answer him directly. "Nah, just the sweet sound of victory. Talk to you later, Jubes," Rogue rolled off the seat and flipped her phone shut. The smirk was now directed fully at him. "Told you, you can't ignore me for shit."

"Nrgh!" He pointed one finger at- No, wait, that was a gun. He pointed his third favorite gun at her smirking face. "That's cheating!"

"All's fair in l-"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence!" He clicked the safety off the gun.

Rogue pouted and stuck her tongue out at him. "You're just a sore loser."

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End file.
